J...o...h...n...'...s.....J...o...u...r...n...a...l
A R C H I V E S
Thanks
for
visiting.
January 11, 2001
RETIRED—
BUT NEVER DISAVOWED
by John A Dixon
Salty
eyes scream
. . . as the streak of gunmetal rings home
. . . . . . and the last repetition of the
session
. . . . . . echoes with finality . . .
Another forlorn stab at aging—
. . . the relentless foe who loses no battles,
. . . . . . but retreats silently into the
taste of brine
. . . . . . to fight another day . . .
Lifting gloves torn off and cast into the locker,
. . . quick glance into the mirror as torso
passes,
. . . . . . streams of hot soap slapping
. . . . . . at shower floor as mental reserves
. . . . . . penetrate and replenish tired
cells . . .
Blender contents chugged with a handful of pills,
. . . half stalk of celery chomped clean
as
. . . . . . towel burns briskly over skin
. . . . . . not so glowing, not so tight,
not so cut
. . . . . . with the pumped sinews of youth
. . .
Balcony view and moonlit shore fail to entice,
. . . alarm set for the early run, with time
before
. . . . . . to fix the knee brace again,
. . . . . . too weary to fool with it now,
. . . . . . time allowed to visit Mama at
the home
. . . . . . on the way to the airport, to
the coast . . .
Packed bag already tossed by the door,
. . . shut down the laptop; no e-mail from
Jim,
. . . . . . not surprising,
. . . . . . no more to say about a friend,
. . . . . . nothing left to do but go and
bury him . . .
How many bodies did you tote all those years?
. . . How many times were you toting him?
Never once broke a sweat
. . . . . . when submachine guns
. . . . . . hung from steady hands,
. . . . . . while tocsins wailed
. . . . . . from deep inside . . .
Will you break a heart
. . . when you tote him one last time,
. . . or smile when you think about
. . . . . . how he stashed Carville's flier
miles
. . . . . . in a Somali prison archive,
. . . . . . or had raw sewage backing
. . . . . . into Baldwin's beach house
. . . . . . with one call during that time-out,
. . . . . . when Kentucky edged Duke . .
. ?
Just last year.
Lord, Barney . . . was it only last year?
January
9, 2000
One year ago . . .
.
. . My thoughtform for 2000:
Change is the character of every moment; therefore, the walker is fully
present in the eternal now, and directs each footstep on a path of his
own choosing.
.
. . Thinking about last night's dinner with Janet and Jerome in
Bardstown: wonderful meal, wine, atmosphere, company, but some discomfort
with the expense. Now, there is an area of my life that I've never been
able to sort out properly— my relationship with money and the energy
flow equation that governs personal abundance. A look at my social security
statement yesterday was a stark reminder of the fact that my life has
been an economic failure. However, there is no reason why the second half
of my life cannot be different, and that is a good attitude for this NUMBER
8 personal year. It's important to get this year off on the right foot...
The key, now more than ever, is discipline, planning, execution...
January 12, 1998
Three years ago . . .
.
. . Uncle
Curly died this morning under the care of Hospice. I'll always remember
his spontaneity, enthusiasm, and, most of all, his wonderful laugh...
We just saw an incredibly good film in Lexington— The Ice Storm.
You can't look back on that period in the mid 1970s without realizing
how mixed up so many of us were... When we shot handguns at the hillside
near the Bilbogate, it was probably the most accurate shooting I've ever
done, but certainly not the "smartest." Too many mental errors
and gun-handling stutters. Although I have improved when it comes to pulling
the sights back on target, I get too rusty with all those operational
details when I shoot too infrequently with a semiautomatic.
January 15, 1996
Five years ago . . .
.
. . On
Kristi's birthday I neglected to send one of my handmade cards. This past
fall I had a chance to spend a little time with her talking numerology
after her baby was born. When I think back to the J's INN days, I think
of little Kristi as one of the most impressive children I have ever been
around. This morning while eating breakfast I saw a big hawk in the backyard
with a bloody carcass of some sort, possibly a squirrel. When some cars
pulled into the courthouse lot it spooked. It was huge. More than a match
for tiny Ouinki! Better be on guard. After my bike ride yesterday I decided
to go over to Centre College to resume an iron-pumping regimen. I'm continuing
to make fitness notations in a little book that I started in May of 1994.
Last night ABC aired a chopped up version of "Last of the Mohicans."
When it was at the theaters I took Nicholas to see it. This past Christmas
I gave him a nice copy of the Cooper classic. He pledged to tackle it,
although I've never tried. BJW said it's a tough one... During his TV
interview with William Shatner, Roger Ailes mentioned three key ways to
judge a person's character: 1) The individual they chose to marry, 2)
How they treated people who couldn't do anything for them, and 3) How
they faced death...
January
7 , 1991
Ten years ago . . .
.
. . Today
was my first trip to the "club." I joined the Danville Athletic
Club to fulfill my resolution of a disciplined exercise program. When
I said that I might not make it in Wednesday morning because of an AdMart
presentation, Cliff said, "Hey, man, don't start that stuff already."
He was right. It will always be some excuse if you lose the momentum.
James said that you always come in, even if you can only stay long enough
to do a 15-minute workout...
January 8, 1979
Twenty-two years ago . . .
.
. . My
"cold turkey" is in progress. Such mixed feelings about ending
years of "using." It has become such a part of my life... But
now is the time to dry out and cop the only true high— a natural
one. One of my last stoned thoughts: I felt like I am about to finally
"break even" in my life. It was such a moving idea that tears
nearly came over me. I'm through tearing myself down, abusing my body,
mind, and spirit. From here on out I'll only build myself up, and reap
the benefits of a healthy lifestyle. It won't be easy, of course. I ask
the Great Spirit for the necessary strength to see this transition through...
Man's loneliness is, in fact, the
loneliness of God. That is why it is such a great thing for a man to discover
his solitude and learn to live in it. For there he finds that he and God
are one.
.
. . —
T. M E R T O N
T O P
